we watched a television program the other night that was showing home videos of people getting fucked up (pwnd?) by animals.

if you have ever wondered what it looks like when a chimpanzee is eating someone’s face off, then this was the program for you!  hint: it is really gross looking when a chimpanzee is eating someone’s face off.

white lions were biting white people!  indian elephants were stamping indian people!  this gigantic fucking snake was smooshing this other guy!

and for the most part, all of the beast-on-person violence was very fast-paced and also animal kingdom style awesome.  the animals generally used a combination of unchecked brutality and the element of surprise.  the old lady didn’t have a chance in that fight with the pissed off monkey, and still wouldn’t have even if she had known its evil simian intentions up-front.   the reporter’s head was in the cheetah’s mouth before she knew there was a cheetah standing behind her.  those villagers were just hanging out and fishing and shit when the hungry hungry hippo hungy hungy hippoed them.

but the anaconda?  i dont know.  i’d like to think that a constricting snake wouldn’t get the better of me in a  one-on-one fight, at least on dry land where i couldn’t drown in the middle of it.   not fair, snakes.

i mean, yeah, i KNOW snakes are super strong and that they smoosh you until you can’t breathe any more.  but snakes are  also entirely made up of muscles and blood and scales and evil, ALL OF WHICH CAN BE STABBED.  in fact, there’s no place on a snake that i can think of that would be a bad place to stab a snake.

furthermore, snakes are deadly because they don’t have arms and legs and can twist themselves into weird non-mammalian positions to confuse and to strangle you.  and that’s part of why they are so scary, because snakes just don’t have arms and legs, and that’s fucked up.  and fucked up stuff freaks us out and puts us at a disadvantage.

but there’s another side to that coin.  snakes can’t punch back, or hold a knife and stab you with it, or even block their faces from getting punched.  these dudes fighting the snake in the video were trying to wrestle with it or something.  give me a break, dudes in that video!  why would they try to wrestle with a wrestling/smooshing machine?

do you want to know how i would kill mike tyson in a fight?  it wouldn’t be by punching him until he was dead, IT WOULD BE BY SHOOTING MIKE TYSON IN THE FACE WITH A GUN.  because mike tyson is  going to be thinking “punching fight” and i’m going to be thinking “shooting you in the face fight”.  i think the same logic can apply to fighting snakes.  if a snake wants to wrestle + can’t stab me, then i will not wrestle it + stab it instead.

also, i bet i would try to punch a snake in its head a lot.  like, A LOT.  i know i’m not a professional fighter or anything, but i bet it would hurt your face if you were a snake and i punched you in the face over and over and over and over.  it would probably hurt your face enough to make you stop trying to fight me.  one time this dog was biting me, so i punched it and it stopped biting me and also stopped wanting to fight me.  i think snakes are about as logical as dogs, if not more so.

maybe the people in that video were trying to be honorable and thus not stab or face-punch the snake into submission.   they were being like hemingway when he wrestled that bear.  i can tell you for a fact that i would not suffer from a similar moral dilemma of finding it necessary to fight animals on “their terms”.

you show me a big ass snake who wants to eat me and i’ll show you a stabbed-up busted-faced snake who just lost its first fight.

in conclusion, i think i could probably fight a snake.  and i think you can too.

p.s. i snapped this picture at the zoo where i spent a solid twenty minutes studying the movements and habits of the anaconda.  bring it on, snakes.

the shoes are a mystery, but the sidewalk we know.

there are so many photographs that we don’t remember taking.  and these pictures are supposed to help us remember things that we’ve forgotten, but sometimes they don’t.  they fail us far more often than we’d like.  there are thousands of unattributed memories attached to us.  its overwhelming.

this computer is overrun with them.  they really are everywhere.  they lurk in folders inside of other folders, in the applications folder.  stacks sit in desk drawers and snapshots hide in between pages of books, even the ones on the bookshelf that we’ve never read and have absolutely no intention of ever reading. like “great essays in science”.  where did that book even come from, let alone the 4×6 of some bored looking couple between pages 234-235.

that being said, i think thats peter greenwood in the picture above.  mystery solved.

ugly casanova - things i don’t remember

its a bunny.

its a bunny on the driveway.

its a bunny on the driveway behind my sister’s house.

its a bunny on the driveway behind my sister’s house who just hopped on over.

its a bunny on the driveway behind my sister’s house who just hopped on over and was so adorable.

its a bunny on the driveway behind my sister’s house who just hopped on over and was so adorable that i took a picture of it.

silver jews - buckingham rabbit

this picture was totally taken on april 20th.

DUDE THAT’S 420!!!

……

I KNOW!!!!

and its a photograph of a pizza box, like, BURNING and shit. whoa.  seriously man- there were like literally a dozen pizzas at that party.  we demolished that shit, too.  cronin would totally be able to back me up on that but he was so wasted he probably doesn’t even remember.   also i think the dudes were playing bocci ball in the back yard and some guy was there who wouldn’t stop talking about how much cooler his bicycle was than anyone’s bicycle in history.

that guy was such a douche.

oh my goodness, i’ve been gone for months!

and i can’t tell you where i’ve been but lets just say that stealing an invisibility cloak and then going on the lam with said cloak is harder than you’d think.  you gotta think on your feet, you gotta be ready to leave at a moment’s notice, and you absolutely positively must be good at stacking drinks.  don’t ask me why, but you must.

i snapped this picture right after giving the cloak to that kid at mcdonalds with the bleached yellow hair who looks like he’s 16 but is really like 36.  he loved it, and no one has seen him since.

and i really want to think that this stack of drinks came from the same slovenly guy.  someone who needed a place to stash his 32 oz mountain dew and thought oh fuck it, i’ll just clean some of the drinks out of my car.

but my favorite part?  the bar b cutie cup.  cause nothing washes down a plate of omgwtfbbq like a double quarter pounder meal.

gross.  but also?  impressive.

my brother loves the x-files.

and the x-files is an ultimate show for him to be in to because my brother is a huge fan of:

1. conspiracy theories
2. dana scully

ok so i have no idea where this humongous smoke ring came from, but i was able to capture it on cellphone film, and since i had to utilize the digital zoom feature on this phone the result looks soooooo effing x-files.

is this the exhaust fumes from a jump into hyperspace?

part of some super secret masonic ceremony?

a sign of the apocalypse?

i do not have the answers to these questions, but in my defense there is a really shitty julia roberts movie on tv right now that is distracting me.  did they make a sequel to “pretty woman”?  because i think that is what i’m watching.  richard gere has been replaced wtih a guy who has a pompador and he just got a telegram telling him that julia roberts is some sort of a whore and now the wedding is off!  and they were in a hotel room i think!

how is this related?  because julia roberts is a shapeshifter, and my brother loves shapeshifters.  because my brother wants to believe.

]]> http://www.nrob.org/my-brother-wants-to-believe/feed/ http://www.nrob.org/cause-you-know-otherwise-i-was-going-to-call-this-place/ http://www.nrob.org/cause-you-know-otherwise-i-was-going-to-call-this-place/#comments Wed, 15 Apr 2009 23:59:56 +0000 ned http://www.nrob.org/?p=455

sometimes it would be a waste of time to stop and over-think every single step of a process.  other times, though, it would probably behoove you to do so.  take this van, for instance.

oh, missy’s miracles daycare person (hereafter referred to as “missy”), what on earth were you thinking?  are you married to “bigg sexxy” or something?  surely the price break this bigg sexxy guy offered you in exchange for using the bottom part of your caravan’s rear glass to advertise his wicked vinyl skills wasn’t enough to justify alienating ANYONE who might otherwise be okay with placing their children in daycare based on van graphics.

and lets face it: there probably aren’t that many people willing to do that to begin with.  we’re just saying.  missy, give bigg sexxy his thirty bucks back and give yourself a fighting chance at target parking lot client recruitment.

there’s nothing funny about beating kids.  but there IS something funny about beating kids at skee-ball!

the thing is, kids pretty much suck at skee-ball.  even “good” for a kid is still pretty lousy compared to  an adult like me.  thus: i can safely say that it brings me great joy to mess some kids up on the skee-ball lanes.

see these kids in the picture?  they got like fourty points.  FOURTY POINTS!  i think i got three hundred fourty points that afternoon.  three hundred points better?  thats a fucking slaughter, kiddos.  now stop crying and put another quarter in the machine.  one day you too will find the joy of annhilating children in games.

and if you dont?  then you’ve no business in chuck-e cheese.

dear driver,

we would like to go on record to say that this is a bad idea.

that being said, please call us tomorrow morning, or whenever it is that you are going to try to drive off with this gigantic race car trailer attached to the camry. its going to be effing hilarious and we really want to watch.

thanks,

ned and pete!

from urbandictionary.com:

1. dumpster love

sexual activity in or around a dumpster filled with trash and garbage.

to each his own, i suppose. but this sort of thing definitely adds some potential risk for those crustpunk kids who feed from the garbage.

cause, you know, as long as its not trash thats been fucked on, it should be good to eat.

??

p.s. WELIKEVANS.COM