we watched a television program the other night that was showing home videos of people getting fucked up (pwnd?) by animals.
if you have ever wondered what it looks like when a chimpanzee is eating someone’s face off, then this was the program for you! hint: it is really gross looking when a chimpanzee is eating someone’s face off.
white lions were biting white people! indian elephants were stamping indian people! this gigantic fucking snake was smooshing this other guy!
and for the most part, all of the beast-on-person violence was very fast-paced and also animal kingdom style awesome. the animals generally used a combination of unchecked brutality and the element of surprise. the old lady didn’t have a chance in that fight with the pissed off monkey, and still wouldn’t have even if she had known its evil simian intentions up-front. the reporter’s head was in the cheetah’s mouth before she knew there was a cheetah standing behind her. those villagers were just hanging out and fishing and shit when the hungry hungry hippo hungy hungy hippoed them.
but the anaconda? i dont know. i’d like to think that a constricting snake wouldn’t get the better of me in a one-on-one fight, at least on dry land where i couldn’t drown in the middle of it. not fair, snakes.
i mean, yeah, i KNOW snakes are super strong and that they smoosh you until you can’t breathe any more. but snakes are also entirely made up of muscles and blood and scales and evil, ALL OF WHICH CAN BE STABBED. in fact, there’s no place on a snake that i can think of that would be a bad place to stab a snake.
furthermore, snakes are deadly because they don’t have arms and legs and can twist themselves into weird non-mammalian positions to confuse and to strangle you. and that’s part of why they are so scary, because snakes just don’t have arms and legs, and that’s fucked up. and fucked up stuff freaks us out and puts us at a disadvantage.
but there’s another side to that coin. snakes can’t punch back, or hold a knife and stab you with it, or even block their faces from getting punched. these dudes fighting the snake in the video were trying to wrestle with it or something. give me a break, dudes in that video! why would they try to wrestle with a wrestling/smooshing machine?
do you want to know how i would kill mike tyson in a fight? it wouldn’t be by punching him until he was dead, IT WOULD BE BY SHOOTING MIKE TYSON IN THE FACE WITH A GUN. because mike tyson is going to be thinking “punching fight” and i’m going to be thinking “shooting you in the face fight”. i think the same logic can apply to fighting snakes. if a snake wants to wrestle + can’t stab me, then i will not wrestle it + stab it instead.
also, i bet i would try to punch a snake in its head a lot. like, A LOT. i know i’m not a professional fighter or anything, but i bet it would hurt your face if you were a snake and i punched you in the face over and over and over and over. it would probably hurt your face enough to make you stop trying to fight me. one time this dog was biting me, so i punched it and it stopped biting me and also stopped wanting to fight me. i think snakes are about as logical as dogs, if not more so.
maybe the people in that video were trying to be honorable and thus not stab or face-punch the snake into submission. they were being like hemingway when he wrestled that bear. i can tell you for a fact that i would not suffer from a similar moral dilemma of finding it necessary to fight animals on “their terms”.
you show me a big ass snake who wants to eat me and i’ll show you a stabbed-up busted-faced snake who just lost its first fight.
in conclusion, i think i could probably fight a snake. and i think you can too.
p.s. i snapped this picture at the zoo where i spent a solid twenty minutes studying the movements and habits of the anaconda. bring it on, snakes.