Did you know that a polar bear is the only animal that will hunt a human person for sport? Yeah! That means that you could be a couple of miles away from a polar bear who had just eaten, and if it was bored it could potentially track and murder you in the cold, frozen tundra then leave your body to the arctic scavengers. That is some hardcore shit that makes the polar bear the hardest core animal I can think of.
And I’m pretty sure that’s a true statement, but I have to admit that I’ve never fact-checked this particular nugget of information, mostly out of fear that it is in fact a bullshit nonfact, but also because I’m lazy and forget to look up whether polar bears are the only animal that hunts human people for sport or not.
I do know some actual, documented facts about polar bears.
For instance, (1) polar bears are the largest predators on land, being roughly twice the size of an adult lion or tiger.
Also, (2) polar bears are classified as a “vulnerable species” these days, which unfortunately means very little in the way of concentrated re-population efforts on the part of governments, but the clever wording does mean that there may or may not be some “re-population” efforts made by douchebag frat guys like Justin. But only after “like a million Jager bombs, bro.”
My final polar bear fact is (3) polar bears will eat anything that they can put their mouth or tongue on. They have been known to scavenge garbage dumps and eat styrofoam and car batteries. This means that polar bears are pretty stupid and would make lousy battle-animals, regardless of what that movie with Nicole Kidman would have you believe.
The polar bear featured in this post was murdered in 1970 by a pawn shop owner named Louis Missoto of Glendale, Arizona. It was at the time, and still is the second largest polar bear that has ever been shot to death. Maybe that includes polar bears that are in zoos but maybe not. It would definitely include polar bears in zoos that have been shot to death. But still, I don’t know, the plaque next to the display case didn’t make that clear.
What was once the second fiercest polar bear in the world (bonus fact (4) the #1 largest polar bear to get shot to death was taken within hours of this bear, in roughly the same area in Canada) now lives in perpetual aggression, towering over and in intimidating would be shoplifters in an antique mall in Glendale, Arizona.
One Comment
1 abbs. wrote:
Yo, I just tried to look that up ‘cuz I’m bored and have no life, and every site was like, “Polar bears are one of very few animals that hunt humans for sport and food.” Which basically means nobody knows, because no one is suicidal enough to go into some random jungle or desert and see what ferocious animal wants to eat them. So, in conclusion we can safely bet that polar bears are probably the only dumb-ass animals we have to worry about ripping our faces of for the hell of it. Thank god, I was worried.