cameraphonik

dear gross couch,

you weren’t all that nice when i got you from the salvation army, and you know it. i mean, i liked the way you looked but i knew that you weren’t really a quality furniture investment. but i took you home anyhow and put you in my favorite room. then bettie the dog lived on you for most of a year, and then cronin lived on you for a summer. and then christy lived on you for six months.

gross couch, your cushions, they are black holes. capable of trapping light and gravity, but also capable of trapping eight bic pens and more than two dollars in pennies. and now the time has come to say goodbye. i have to hand it to you, though, you’re good at what you do: being something to sit comfortably on, to sleep uncomfortably on, and to soak up bettie’s nighttime accidents. i hope someone else out there is willing to overlook your many, many imperfections in lieu of your smart pattern and classic 70s color scheme.

and as for you, early 80s wood grain zenith television, i don’t really care if anyone likes the way you look, because your attitude really stinks.

best of luck (really, i’m serious),

ned